Diet NOT on point: UBBT and my M & M problem.

A few weeks ago I was tired and in a moment of weakness I bought a bag of M&Ms. This morning I'm up 10lbs on the scale. This is how it goes with me. Historically. I do really well with food choices. I eat pretty healthy overall. Then I give myself permission for a "treat" usually because I'm tired, stressed or sad. Feeling sorry for myself. Every single time, my self discipline goes right out the window. I think, " It's okay because I'm exercising more." I tell myself lies like, "This won't really affect my goals." Or most of the time I don't talk to myself at all. I just ignore it because I'm ashamed. I'm just feeding an emotion. Applying a salve to feeling worn out. I know that it doesn't help. I know the consequences, I'm in it right now and it is all too familiar. I know I'm not alone in this struggle! Food is medicine. Medicine can heal and it can also harm when used improperly. It's a slippery slope. So, I can sit here...or I can dust myself off and climb again. At least I know what trips me and sends me sliding.

Week 1 Numbers May 30 - Jun 5

Started back at 0 this week and kept a log in my planner. This will evolve as I add on but here is the basic set up.

Reality: Fell short of the goal numbers. Better planning will help.

Positive: I did push ups every day.

Back At Zero: Week 1 Round 3

I've been trying to find a way to get what I've done over the last year to count. Really, the last two years. Year and a half. That's when I froze. What I was doing up to that point was working. (Maybe that's why I froze. But that's another story for another time.) I just need to start over. I've been looking for a way to make it easier, because this test is very, very hard. So I looked...and I looked...and looked some more...all the while avoiding doing the work.

I've decided this: Stop looking for an easier way! Just do the work.

I dug out my journal from April/May 2014. That's when it was working. Instead of trying to figure out an easier (there's not one) way I'm just going to do what I was doing then. Embrace the suck, as one of my accountability partners would say.

Back at zero.
But this time I have experience of having tried and failed. Failing isn't the end of this for me, was a lesson. This time zero is a different starting point. I'm better equipped because of my experience. I'm stronger because of my experience. What will it take to see this through? Just do the work! 

Telling the Truth About My Weight & Showing Evidence of Progress - My Ultimate Black Belt Test Journal

My weight. It's been on my mind as long as I can remember.

First of all, I'm going to say this: I am very healthy. Physically. This is not about the physical. This is not about my physical health. This is about what I see when I look in the mirror. This is about how I think I appear to others. That struggle is so old and familiar to me that it's often hard to recognize which makes it difficult to change.

I identify with overweight and out of place. Even now. I'm not overweight or out of place. I maintain a healthy weight and have certainly found my place. Even though I've lost (more than once) a bunch of pounds and transformed my body from weak to strong...I still struggle. I've realized that I keep myself here because of fear. I'm afraid of not knowing who I am if I let that part of me go. It is what I know.

"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."  -Toni Morrison

I've resisted this part of the Ultimate Black Belt Test for the past two years and it's time I let go. I posted about my weight before, but I waited until I was happy. Until I felt ready. I didn't include any photos or what I was eating or how I was exercising, really all I was doing was talking the talk. No evidence. Since then I've gotten clear on what I want from this test: discipline and telling the truth.

So here's the first of my REAL progress posts.
In these photos (that I took today) I weigh 162.2 with 18.6% body fat.

Not bad...but it's not my ULTIMATE either.
It's like this is my off season condition, and game day is coming. So I'm going to get ready...and I'm going to keep you posted on how it's going and exactly how I'm doing it.



What I'm eating: mostly Vegetarian. Not strict. I just like vegetables more and I like meat less. No added sugars. I started this again a few months ago and I really like it. It helps me stick to eating simple, minimally processed food.

Short term food goal: meal prepping

Today's workout: I used my TRX to do 30 (10-10-10) rows and ass to grass squats then ran up and down my street. I'm not sure how far it is, but I ended up with around 13,500 steps for the day. The main idea was to get my heart rate up and move me towards my goal of at minimum 10K steps daily. I did that twice. I also did 50 push ups and a 200 rep ab workout.

Short term workout goal: be consistent

Alabama Build-Vention 2016 Highlights

The Ultimate Black Belt Test requires that I support the annual martial arts "anti-convention" Alabama Build-Vention. I do this gladly. I would attend and support the event even if I wasn't a test candidate.

What is it? An annual charity build event in rural Alabama started by UBBT founder Tom Callos. The event brings martial artists from all over the US and Canada to Greensboro, a small town on Hwy 69 just south of Tuscaloosa. So what's so special about this town? Pam Dorr, and her program HERO Housing. Take a look at the link if you're interested in learning what HERO does for the community there. It's extraordinary.

This was the 12th year of the project. I attended last year for the first time alone, this year I was joined by my student, JD. He's one of my first black belts and I was looking forward to this experience coming back with not only me but a senior student that influences the culture of the studio. He had no idea what he was in for! I explained the event but this is the kind of thing you have to experience to fully understand. He was there to support me, in my work and in my test. I couldn't have asked for more. The discussions we've had during and since are going to make an impact far into the future of Champion Taekwondo.

I took many pages of notes during the talks. Processing those along with thinking about the observations and experiences now that I'm home continue to inspire plans for my future. 

A few of the highlights:

Meeting and talking with Ali Fuller, founder of Level Ground Mixed Martial Arts in Boston. Her program and the way the thinks and talks about martial arts to enrich the lives of young people is revolutionary. She is and example of grit and perseverance on and off the mat.

Getting to hug Cathy Chapaty. We have been virtual friends for a few years now and have shared deeply with each other, but had never physically met. That was a good hug. Being able to talk and work with her was a gift. We have future work to do together which hasn't been revealed, but I know it's going to be good. Soul work. Kindred spirit work.

Reconnecting with the people I met last year was wonderful. It was visiting my tribe.

Being around and soaking in the lessons from one of my teaching heroes, Tom Callos. He is the reason I'm doing this crazy program in the first place. He talks about practicing and teaching the martial arts like nobody else. The language that he uses and the multitude of ideas he gives freely can change the way you think about your work. It certainly has for me.

My biggest take away was watching the young people. Their level of engagement was astounding. It was clear that this was not by accident, it was coming from their time spent in martial arts and the influence of the mentors in their lives. I teach all ages, but really my job is working with young people. I don't think I fully understood the power of that role. This clarity was a thought shift for me, and I know the impact on my program will be huge.

    

The BJJ Sand Bucket and My UBBT Goals

I talked to one of my teachers yesterday about the (often agonizingly slow) process of becoming skilled in martial arts. The analogy he used created such a clear image in my head that I'm going to use it to help me move this test forward.

He said it was like a bucket of sand.

You are like an empty bucket. Every time you train, a few grains of sand are deposited in the bucket. That's why people quit, the sand grows by only a few grains at a time, often it's such a small amount that you can't tell it's growing at all. But every time you show up, drill, and roll, that's sand going in. When you don't train you lose a grain. Over time you gain and lose little bits of sand because of your choices, but eventually the sand starts to add up and you can feel some skill building. The sand will shift around and you may gain a handful or a few grains but as long as you keep adding eventually the bucket will fill to the top. 

Our conversation continued and he applied this idea of the bucket and sand to goal setting.

You never lose sand from action. It's only when you don't take action. Even when you tap or lose, it doesn't take sand away, it adds sand. If I decide to do a tournament and do all that it takes to get myself there and prepared, that's all sand going in. Even if I don't get the results I want from the match, the sand is gained in the work to prepare. Now, if I say I want to compete and then start but don't stay strong through the process, sand leaks out. If I don't follow through with the training, don't get my diet together, am not really doing what it takes, the sand leaks out. This applies not just to a tournament but to any goal you set for yourself with your training. 

As we were talking about this and after as I was thinking more about it, it made a powerful image in my mind. I've been letting my mindset turn my bucket into a colander. When I decided to do the Ultimate Black Belt Test my bucket was empty. Each time I've made some progress, I have let my choices leak sand and that's why I keep coming up empty. Each time I decide to try again, some of the gaps close and sand gets deposited. I still have some of the sand that has stuck to the sides. Grain by grain it will fill, but it will only fill by me taking action.

This time, the third try, I'm going to be conscious of my bucket. When I don't feel like doing push ups, or making a connection with any of the many goals I have, I'm going to imagine a tiny hole opening and a few grains leaking away. When I choose to do them anyway, I will imagine a more solid bucket forming. I'm going to replace my leaking colander with a bucket made from reinforced steel.